IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#computer #effects #children
At the present time,
computer
 usage has been expanded dramatically among different age groups. In my opinion,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 younger
ages
, daily
computer
 usage
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 detrimental effects on one's physical and mental
growth
, while significantly
reduce
Wrong verb form
reducing
show examples
 their ability to learn crucial soft skills.
Although
 learning modern technologies could be advantageous for youth's future, its drawbacks at early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 outweigh its merits. Physical activity has
countless
Add an article
a countless
show examples
 positive
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
show examples
 in young
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
growth
Replace the word
grow
show examples
, which can decline dramatically when they start to deal with
computers
. Physical games and activities not only help their body to improve powerful mussels and bones but
also
 increase the production and release of
growth
 hormones. According to
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
conducted
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 Toronto University,
density
Correct article usage
the density
show examples
 of
growth
 enzymes was reduced
20
Change preposition
by 20
show examples
% in
children
 who used
computers
 under the age of nine, which
consequently
 reduced the average of their height.
Children
Change noun form
Children's
show examples
 activity
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 plays a key role in learning
softskills
Correct your spelling
soft skills
soft-skills
.
Children
 learn socializing through making friends, games, and peer-to-peer interactions.
computer
 usage
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 can decline these interactions due to
high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
 attraction of
computers
. In fact, personal
computers
 are capable to addict them
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 colourful games and cartoons, while lowering their interaction with
surrounded
Add an article
the surrounded
show examples
 world.
As a result
, their
intelligence
Replace the word
intellectual
show examples
growth
 and creativity will vanish sooner or later by more tendency to the
computer
 world. In conclusion, I believe, preventing young
children
 to use
computers
 is a most
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 remarkably beneficial for their spiritual and physical improvement.
Submitted by fateme.niknam on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Screen time
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Physical inactivity
  • Cognitive development
  • Internet addiction
  • Cyberbullying
  • Inappropriate content
  • Digital literacy
  • Virtual learning environments
  • Parental controls
  • Moderation
  • Online safety
  • Tech-savvy
  • E-learning
  • Information technology
  • Eye strain
  • Social skills
  • Multitasking
  • Interactive education
  • Health repercussions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: