IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some places, old age is valuable, while in other cultures youth is considered more important Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#places #age #cultures #youth
One of the vital issues of a community is the average age of the people. Some believe elders are more precious and essential than younger ones whereas
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
 think exactly vice versa.
Generally
Add a comma
,Generally
show examples
 young population has greater benefits for a society that could be a valuable asset for a long time. In some countries which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 rare indeed, assume elders are full of experience that has been gained gradually in many years of
hard
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
. They believe elders, as people who have spent their lives
to give
Change the verb form
giving
show examples
 service to the community, must be front runners in all fields of a society whose directions can lead youngers rationally. They prefer to leave many political, social or cultural posts and vacancies to them rather than giving
Add an article
an opportunity
the opportunity
show examples
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to youngsters in order to prevent or somehow decrease any possible risks and their irreparable consequences.
For example
, a president of a company does not dare to select his or her cabinet from young candidates. On the opposite side, the majority of experts and social researchers imagine despite elder's valuable and sensible guidance, which is really respectable, we should regard their physical and mental abilities
that
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 reduce when they are getting
on for
Change preposition
into
show examples
60s
Change the article
the 60s
show examples
 that they are not powerful enough to do activities and work the same as what they have been doing already.
Eventually
Add a comma
,Eventually
show examples
 they become retired and turn into consumers only.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
this
occasion
Add a comma
,occasion
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments are just charged to spend
vast
Add an article
a vast
the vast
show examples
 amount of money
as
Change preposition
on
show examples
 various facilities without any outcome in return.
For example
, using different types of health care services that are left to insurance companies.
That is
 why they come up with the idea of advising
to increase
Change the verb form
increasing
show examples
 the population in order to force the crowd
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 an energetic one in long term.
Submitted by farid.detective on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • repositories of knowledge
  • esteemed
  • insights
  • embedded
  • seeking advice
  • prioritizing
  • premium on innovation
  • dynamism
  • adaptability
  • technological advancements
  • entrepreneurs
  • pioneers
  • indispensable
  • stability
  • harmonious
  • progressive
What to do next:
Look at other essays: