IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society.

#countries #proportion #people #trend #effects #society
With the development of medical technology and the low
Correct your spelling
newborn
show examples
new born
Correct your spelling
newborn
show examples
 rate, the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 situation is apparent in many countries, especially in developed countries. In my view,
this
 phenomenon is harmful to society in the long run. The rising older population means the
reduce
Replace the word
reduction
show examples
 of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 rate, which would make it difficult for companies to hire enough qualified employees. While without enough young employees, corporations or organizations would
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
innovation. The shortage of
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 can induce
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 lower quantity of products. Especially for the necessary products,
such
 as food, water, medicine, the satisfaction of
life
 would be
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
effected
Correct your spelling
affected
show examples
 seriously. Even worse, the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 price may rise constantly, which would induce a higher product price. The price of
Add an article
the product
a product
show examples
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
, would not only affect our daily
life
, but
also
 the development of industries. Except that, the high proportion of aged people can be a afford for the whole society.
High
Correct article usage
A high
show examples
 aged rate means that the government is required to input more capital to tackle the related problems,
such
 as healthy,
Correct word choice
and caring
show examples
caring
Replace the word
care
show examples
. While the funds could be allocated to promote education systems or transportation systems. The adults
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 required to take care of their parents or grandparents. It is necessary for people to earn more money
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if they choose to live together and enjoy a
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
living
Change preposition
of living
show examples
surrounding
Fix the agreement mistake
surroundings
show examples
. But people
also
 need to pay more attention to their parents, since they may need to address the older people’s daily
life
. In
this
 condition, it would be unlikely for adults
feeling
Change the verb form
to feel
show examples
 satisfied with
life
. In conclusion, the rising proportion of
aged
Add an article
the aged
show examples
 population would seriously do harm to society.
Submitted by monicahe0211 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: