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Band 5

Some people think that public health is the responsibility of the government while others think that people should be responsible for their own health. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #health #responsibility #government
There is an ongoing debate about who is responsible for the state of public
health
.
However
, whereas some
people
 claim that
this
 should be the duty of
government
, I agree with those who think
people
 themselves should be responsible for
this
, while the
government
also
 needs to take
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
show examples
encouraging
Change the verb form
to encourage
show examples
 its citizens to lead healthier lives. With regard to the role of
government
, an important one is to ensure that citizens achieve a certain level of fitness and
health
.
This
 is because the income that the
government
 generates from its
Correct your spelling
taxpayers
show examples
tax payers
Correct your spelling
taxpayers
show examples
suppose
Wrong verb form
supposed
show examples
 to be allocated to different sectors,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
one of which is the public
health
 system. If the
government
 does not pay enough attention to improving public
health
, more
people
 would be more vulnerable to diseases and
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
, which would become a burden on public hospitals and
Correct your spelling
taxpayers
show examples
tax payers
Correct your spelling
taxpayers
show examples
.
Therefore
, the
government
 should focus on how to improve
people
’s
health
 and encourage them to live
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthier life. As for individuals, there is no doubt that they should be more responsible for their own
health
 than others
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because no one can actually suffer the pain for them.
In addition
,
health
 problems will not only affect
people
 themselves
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 their family members.
For example
, if a person is sick, his family will need to pay a large amount of money to treat his illness, which may cause the family to suffer financial difficulties.
Therefore
,
people
 should take the greatest obligation for their own
health
 and not leave it to the
government
. In conclusion, I believe,
although
Correct word choice
that although
show examples
 individuals should take more responsibility for their own
health
, meanwhile, the
government
also
 need to take measures to improve the level of public
health
.
Submitted by queena9324 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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