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Band 5.5

Some people say that playing games can be bad for children. Others say that playing computer games can have positive effects on the way children develop. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #games #children #computer #effects
Whereas
 some individuals believe that video games are devastating for children's improvement,the opponents are of the notion that it is beneficial for them.
Although
 in my point of view,its positive footprints surpass in multitudes aspects,different sides are uttered here. One of the most highlighted advantages has to do with its impression on users' knowledge.To enlighten,not only enhances
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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Change noun form
juveniles'
juvenile's
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juveniles
Change noun form
juveniles'
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 capability in utilising technology as the current affair but their lingual information would be fortified
while
 they have to interact with others with divergent tongues from different nations.
Consequently
,both the awareness of technology usage and
similarly
 knowing various languages would be beneficial for their subsequent personal and social lives, grasping a job vacancy
for example
.
Furthermore
,the
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
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 will be saved from the hazards that are awaiting them in society.As a vivid case,neither kidnappers nor drug sellers have the capacity to abuse them if they are entertained with their computers at home.
On the other hand
,various diseases may they
encounter
Wrong verb form
encountered
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 owing to the sedentary lifestyle that these smart boxes bestow
to
Change preposition
on
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 folks.To illustrate,Either:the risk of obesity or eyesight problems has swelled among people,who
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 the majority of their time in front of screens.To explain,
due to
 research,humans' eyes are sensitive to the light of screens.
Moreover
,ignoring the activities that used to be more conventional,like cycling,can have some detrimental effects on the mental and the physical realms.
as
Capitalize word
As
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 a fact,the balance of body hormones stems from people's function during their lives,which would not be set properly if individuals deprive themselves of physical activities.
Therefore
,an inappropriate development may occur in their brain and muscles.
To conclude
,
while
 some undeniable drawbacks would be experienced by the young,who are attracted by computer games,namely:visual problems or obesity,to me its affirmative sides,
such
 as enhancing adolescents' knowledge about other languages and as well technology utilization, outweigh drastically.
Nevertheless
,its related side effects could be eradicated by restricting the hour of playing game by children.
Submitted by drpnima on

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task response
Develop your arguments more by providing additional examples and evidence to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical flow between paragraphs to improve coherence and cohesion. Use transition words to connect ideas more effectively.
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