IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Crime appears to be rising in most countries in the world, especially among young people. Identify the possible causes of this trend, and propose some solutions you think would be effective.

#crime #countries #world #people #trend
Certainly, one of the most important problems that now governments around the world are confronting is how to deal with
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
show examples
 crisis
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
show examples
in
Change preposition
among
show examples
 youths.
This
 problem could be solved
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 three ways which
seems
Change the verb form
seem
show examples
 to be: strengthening the education system, supporting families, and offering more employment opportunities.
Firstly
, educational shortcomings could be responsible for training deficiencies in communities, importantly, young people from poor socioeconomic status. Since there are no academies or colleges that focus on teaching teenagers how to manage their
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
show examples
 aspects well.
Next
, family relationships in comparison with the past have been changed and as
parents
 are busier than before, their attention
about
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own children and the needs they have has decreased.
Besides
, many
parents
 are single now,
then
 their child has no access to emotional and practical ethics which both
parents
 can provide
him
Change preposition
for him
show examples
/her in their life. The
last
 part refers to
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of
job
 opportunities that young pupils or graduated students would be able to find
specially
Replace the word
especially
show examples
 when they have no experience. It should be valued, our educational systems
be
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 encouraged to teach their pupils good manners. And provided that, young students had attractions for doing crime, they would judiciously confront them and teach the advantages of good
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, unless, these teenagers would adopt some bad
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
. If the young couples be encouraged to marry and make a strong family foundation, their children would learn how to live without stress and anxiousness.
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 it should be focused on the educational training of
parents
 because their kids learn many aspects of moral and social ethics from them.
Finally
, governments are responsible for
job
 making as provided that youths did not have
appropriate
Add an article
an appropriate
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
, they would crash
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 uncommon and mostly illegal acts to earn money. In conclusion, criminal actions have different reasons which mainly could be resolved. If governments subsidized
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
academic industries efficiently,
then
 young people would
able
Add a missing verb
be able
show examples
 to learn more and do better
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their careers so find a good
job
 easily. According to a better position, have a better income and there will be no need
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 inelegant actions. Being a normal relationship between
parents
, let their children live in a more
comfort
Replace the word
comfortable
show examples
 family so learn to do a better action
overally
Correct your spelling
overall
.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: