IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that men and women have different qualities. Therefore, some certain jobs are suitable for men and some jobs are suitable for women. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #men #women #qualities #jobs
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It is generally acknowledged by certain individuals that
people
Use synonyms
 have different aptitudes depending on
the
Change the word
their
show examples
gender
Use synonyms
, and
therefore
Linking Words
 they should have different occupations. Regarding
this
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, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 assertion. 
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 have different abilities depending on
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 sex. While the right side of the brain which enhances the ability of science and mathematics of men is developed, the development of the left side of the brain which helps to increase the quality of linguistic and artistic skills in women can be seen.
For example
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, recent media in Korea reports that
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to hire women teachers as they believe
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 difference
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 brains. As the example clearly illustrates,
people
Use synonyms
 have different qualifications owing to
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 biological development, so it is a good idea to find different
jobs
Use synonyms
 depending on
the
Change the word
their
show examples
gender
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, some occupations require only one
gender
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groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
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 owing to the difference
of
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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physical abilities. Some
jobs
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such
Linking Words
 as military service
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
consist of males because as a matter of cultural
different
Replace the word
differences
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, some male soldiers look down on women soldiers.
In addition
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, as female soldiers’ bodies are more vulnerable, they cannot handle the same amount of work
with
Change preposition
as
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 male soldiers.
For instance
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, the majority of
crimes’
Change noun form
crimes
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 victims are females in
army
Add an article
the army
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.
Therefore
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, it is reasonable to point out that it is not a good idea
both
Change preposition
for both
show examples
Use synonyms
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
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 the same
jobs
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. In conclusion, owing to
biological
Add an article
a biological
show examples
 and physical
difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
 between genders, it is no doubt to point out that they should have different
jobs
Use synonyms
 depending on the occupation.
Submitted by hiasince38 on

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender roles
  • inherent qualities
  • social dynamics
  • merit-based selection
  • advancements in technology
  • levelled the playing field
  • gender stereotypes
  • equal opportunities
  • physical differences
  • workplace
  • evolving
  • traditional view
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