IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that sugary products tend to inflict various health problems, therefore it is urgently needed to rise the prices of those commercial products to abate the people's consumption on it.

#people #products #health #rise #prices #consumption
Some
people
 believe that sugary
products
 tend to inflict various health problems,
therefore
 it is urgently needed to raise the
prices
 of those commercial
products
 to abate the
people
's
consumption
 of them.
However
, I strongly disagree with
this
 argument and will discuss it in
this
 essay. Increasing any particular
prices
 of goods will not be efficient to push the
people
 to not buy those stuff.
For example
, the Indonesian government has stipulated a straight regulation to reduce tobacco
consumption
 by making cigarette
prices
 higher. In fact, the level of tobacco
consumption
 in
society
 remains high amidst the higher cigarette price set by the government.
This
 phenomenon is evident that increasing
prices
 on specific
products
 will not affect the level of
consumption
 within
society
.
Instead
 of rising the
prices
 of sugary
products
, there should be more education on the side effects of consuming sugary
products
 in
society
.
This
 kind of approach is likely to be more effective for a long-term period.
For instance
, the enhancement of climate education in Europe
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
affects the rise of awareness from the
people
 there to be more concerned about preserving their environment by living a more green lifestyle daily.
This
 phenomenon is truly evident that an education-based approach is more worked for
people
 in
society
 to revamp their behaviour. Ultimately, as stated above, increasing
prices
 on any particular product to change the behaviour of
people
 will not be effectively worked. As suggested, there should be a more education-based approach to raise the awareness of the
people
.
Submitted by miarosmia8 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: