IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

An increasing treand is nowadays for young adult to play compuuter games. Some people say this is a negative development. Discuss and give your opinion.

#treand #adult #compuuter #games #people #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is no doubt,
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 people copy others and buy the latest devices and use more and more model computers or laptops in the contemporary world. Some certain individuals believe that computer
games
 give a detrimental effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the person and society. In my opinion, I think,
this
 behaviour offers dangerous results to each individual and the nation On the
first
 hand, one serious effect
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
addicted
Replace the word
addiction
show examples
 to
computer
Add an article
a computer
show examples
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 is social withdrawal which means they tend to have a distance or a gap between family, people and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, which leads to unrespect or ignoring activities in the culture or postponed
his
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
activities daily living.
For instance
, while playing hours and hours above mentioned single or group
games
 which show artificial intelligence, they have a limited period
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 engaging family valuable
time
, for going out with friends, for social interaction as a responsible adult. It automatically delays and impossible to fulfil his job responsibilities and family or social needs.
Moreover
, when he is entertaining for
this
 a long
time
, he tries to lock the door in his room to minimize disturbance for his activities from the family. He
also
 does not eat
properly
Add an article
a properly
show examples
 balanced diet which is important.
Thus
, he unknowingly gets health issues because of decreased physical
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
such
 as obesity, fluctuation
his
Change preposition
in his
show examples
 blood pressure, diabetes and cardiac diseases physically and anxiety or depression mentally. Ultimately, the user for excessive
games
 on the devices, if he goes to school or university that always might be complained by teachers or institute’s lectures as he will not maintain punctuality and failed to submit assignments the given
time
 properly, as well as he would receive fever sores in the exams and he has to postpone his continue education with values. It
also
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
his siblings
this
his
Add a missing verb
is his
show examples
 action and
parents
Correct pronoun usage
his parents
show examples
 will have to spend more money on
particular
Correct article usage
a particular
show examples
 child unnecessary.
This
also
 develops as a family conflict due to the tiredness
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the parents
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 earning more money to complete family needs and
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
end
Add a comma
,end
show examples
 parents get old and remains unhappy families. In conclusion, the person who uses more computer
games
 grows most of the
time
 negative aspects of his life and family members and the society.
Submitted by rdbowalgaha on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: