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Band 5.5

It is generally accepted that working part-time to earn money as a teenager is essential. While this activity may educate youngsters the basics of working and discipline, it can also affect their resting time. Thus, this essay will discuss both views.

It is generally accepted that working part-
time
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 to earn money as a teenager is essential.
While
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this
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 activity may educate youngsters
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 basics of working and discipline, it can
also
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 affect their resting
time
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.
Thus
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,
this
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 essay will discuss both views. First of all, pupils who
work
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 as part-timers can obtain the base knowledge of working and can learn to be more disciplined. Those who
work
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 have a designated task assigned
for
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to
show examples
 them,
therefore
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, they have the responsibility to accomplish the jobs they are given which can grow a sense of responsibility.
Moreover
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, students who have already experienced working will adapt easily when they are working in real life after they graduate.
For instance
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, a person who did an internship
while
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 they are studying in college will understand the working environment easier when they are accepted
in
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by
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 a company after they finish their degree.
On the other hand
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, working at a young age will sacrifice their leisure
time
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 and other activities they might have after school
time
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. Taking leisure
time
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 to
work
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 will cause some effects,
such
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 as health issues.
For instance
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, working in one’s resting
time
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 can drain the energy he/she is having,
therefore
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 they might experience an
overwhelmed
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overwhelming
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 situation or maybe lack of sleep.
Furthermore
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, youngsters who
work
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 might prioritize their job over education, since working can result in money.
For example
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, a student who earns financial benefits from working tends to focus more
to obtain
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on obtaining
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 a higher amount of money,
while
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 deprioritizing his/her education which results in bad scores. In conclusion,
although
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 working part-
time
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 can equip students with basic knowledge of working and discipline, teenagers should not sacrifice their free
time
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 to
work
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. In my opinion, I firmly believe that it is more important to prioritize education rather than working at a young age.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph follows a clear logical progression and connects well with the previous one. This will improve the overall flow of the essay.
task achievement
Consider adding a few more specific examples to strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively presenting and summarizing the main arguments.
task achievement
The arguments presented are mostly clear and comprehensive, showing a good understanding of both sides of the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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