IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

On average, citizens in first world countries are growing obese at alarming rates. Governments must take action in order to stem this unhealthy epidemic. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#citizens #first #world #countries #rates #governments #action #epidemic
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For the past decade, facts about the bursting rates of obesity have been seen in the headlines. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that since it is the fault of the individuals themselves,
so
Rephrase
apply
show examples
they should be the ones to address their weight problems.
However
Linking Words
, I feel these
people
Use synonyms
 are obviously unable to help themselves, and it is the role of
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 to try and reverse the trend. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss the reasons behind my opinion.
Firstly
Linking Words
, many of the overeaters are living in
first world
Add a hyphen
first-world
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 nations, and,
although
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 they received a
first world
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first-world
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education
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, nutrition advice was clearly lacking. Seeing as
education
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 is the responsibility of the
government
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, they should be the ones who step in and take action. Take my high school,
for example
Linking Words
. I took many advanced science classes, and the required health and physical
education
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 blocks, but I never received any information on healthy portion sizes, which
people
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 need to recognize among
such
Linking Words
 food abundance. Not only is there a necessity
of
Change preposition
for
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 nutrition
education
Use synonyms
, but there is
also
Linking Words
 a need for community action to encourage active citizens,
due to
Linking Words
 there being nothing to stop
people
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 from getting in their cars, going home to the couch, and consuming a bag of chips and a pint of ice cream. Since motivation to be active is clearly lacking from a large part of the population, the
government
Use synonyms
 should take it upon
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
itself
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 to stem
this
Linking Words
 unhealthy epidemic and force to be society healthier, and, thereby, happier and more productive. In sum,
people
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 are too heavy and
this
Linking Words
 excess is literally lethal; the
government
Use synonyms
 must step in. I hope that in the near
future
Add a comma
future,
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 there
are
Wrong verb form
will be
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 more health policies passed that cause obesity rates to recede.
Submitted by merve.dmryk on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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