IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Childhood obesity is a growing problem nowadays. What can be done to solve the problem?

#childhood #obesity
The big problem with
kids
 nowadays is their overweight.
That is
 because most of their parents and PE teachers are not paying attention
on
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their meals and activities. As a
solution
Add a comma
,solution
show examples
 the schools can improve their physical activities. As an
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 the teachers should make them play different games and run during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
 hours.
As a
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
 the
kids
 will be more healthy and strong. Another solution is changing their diet at home and at
school
.
For
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 their parents can cook for them and bring cooked meals at
school
 or if the principal
desides
Correct your spelling
decides
 he/she can change the buffet in the cafeteria.
As a
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
 there will be more fit
kids
 and
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
show examples
 overweight ones. One
last
 of the many solutions is making more and different
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 clubs for every kid.
For example
, the
school
 could make different sports competitions to motivate the
kids
 to do sports.
This
 way not only the
kids
 will be healthy and strong but who knows? Maybe one day some of them can bring an
olimpic
Correct your spelling
Olympic
 medal
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their hometown. In conclusion for all
this
Add a comma
,this
show examples
 the most important achievement is that our
kids
 will not be sick.
Submitted by taniadim74 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: