IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Small business should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what level do you agree or disagree?

#business #women #maternity #level
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In recent years,
women
Use synonyms
 started working in almost all industries and they are dominating the men in most jobs.
While
Linking Words
 few argue that small-scale merchants should appoint bachelor
women
Use synonyms
 for their regular
work
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 rather than married
women
Use synonyms
,
however
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, I strongly believe that married
women
Use synonyms
 have sufficient experience to handle
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hectic jobs and
proper
Add a missing verb
have proper
show examples
 control over the delivery of projects.
To begin
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 with,a married woman who has strong team player and management skills compared to a non-working female.
This
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 is because they handle all family issues
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 educate her to handle critical situations in
work
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 life.
For example
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, they organize their family task and professional
work
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 based on priority.
In addition
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,she has optimal management skills learned from her family and she utilizes those skills in staff management in an organization.
As a result
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, the company produce fantastic
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
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 from the product delivery perspective
along with
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 employee satisfaction.
However
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,small companies have limited financial capacity to support employees .
This
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 reason is they might not provide the additional maternity leave
due to
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 staff shortages.As a consequence,they concentrate on bachelor employees who can fully spend time on
work
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 .
For instance
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,if there are any pending jobs,she could accomplish
on
Change preposition
apply
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his tasks during
out of office
Add a hyphen
out-of-office
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 hours or weekend days.
On the contrary
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, a married person should take care of her family and she could not stay in late at night to complete the
work
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 which will build additional delays in product delivery. In conclusion,
although
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 small merchants receive slight benefits for recruiting bachelors,married people will produce more advantages from working experience.An organization should provide equal opportunity for both people in job selection.
Submitted by sundararaja88 on

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task achievement
Ensure you fully address all parts of the task, including the extent to which you agree or disagree.
coherence cohesion
Use topic sentences and transitions to clearly separate and link ideas in each paragraph.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to illustrate your points and strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Good attempt at structuring the essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
You’ve provided relevant reasons for your stance which shows a clear line of argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • maternity leave
  • discrimination
  • gender bias
  • workplace diversity
  • employment law
  • economic benefits
  • family-friendly policies
  • staff retention
  • talent acquisition
  • employee turnover
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