IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Society is becoming obsessed with material goods like fast cars, designer clothes and flashy jewellery. We have stopped caring about the important things and that is why divorce rates are so high and family bonds are not as strong anymore; our valve system is disintegrating. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

#society #goods #cars #designer #clothes #jewellery #divorce #rates #bonds #valve #system
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays
people
 are willing to be at the top of their lives by the rising influence of the society to maintain standards in nearby surroundings which encourages them to purchase expensive material goods.
On the other hand
, there are several disputes between the
people
 in/of the families resulting in
divorce
Add an article
the divorce
a divorce
show examples
 of couples and weakening the family bonds which is disintegrating the value system. I lean towards the agreement by emphasizing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the key points with supportive examples. A few decades ago,
people
 were engraved
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the moral values which they had received from their parents and were
also
 indulged in cultural activities. The children were concerned to look after their parents. With the advent of time,
lifestyle
Add an article
the lifestyle
a lifestyle
show examples
 of the
people
 changed which led
towards
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the change in behaviour of the
people
.
In addition
, the long working hours have increased the stress levels and tensions between
life-partners
Correct your spelling
life partners
show examples
.
For instance
, one of my married seniors had undergone the physiological medication, his wife opted for an overseas job in pursuit of
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 salary.
However
, the loneliness tore their feelings apart and the long-distance relationship stood against their lifetime.
Secondly
, most of the young generations have a dream to work in a foreign country to earn
hefty
Add an article
a hefty
show examples
 amount of money.
Consequently
, acquired lifestyle demands to draw the same amount leaving them to fall into a trap of purchasing the expensive material goods/luxuries
such
 as fast cars, designer clothes and flashy jewellery which divert them from the main goal of life.
For example
, one of my friends who pursued his
Masters
Fix the agreement mistake
master
show examples
 in Mechatronics field has now started to gamble in the stock markets. In conclusion, I stand firm with the statement that our value system has become disintegrated as
people
 have begun to detach from their families or
life-partners
Correct your spelling
life partners
show examples
 in pursuit of earning money which is harmful in the growing society and for upcoming generations.
Submitted by lushennandanwar.ln on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: