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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that protecting the environment is the government ‘s responsibility. Others believe that every individual should take responsibility for it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Modernization of the world has affected the environment in many negative aspects across the globe.
As responsible
Correct word choice
Responsible
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humans
Use synonyms
 believe that caring for
nature
Use synonyms
 is the responsibility of the governing bodies,
while
Linking Words
 another party of
humans
Use synonyms
 think it is a personal responsibility too. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will be discussing
about
Remove the preposition
apply
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the above two views and my opinion on the above.
Firstly
Linking Words
, as
the
Correct article usage
apply
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governments have the final ruling authority over world events,
hence
Linking Words
 they should be able to identify and
control
Use synonyms
 the factors that harm
nature
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 and take the necessary
action
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.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the people elect the parliament with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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suitable people to implement policies and take necessary
action
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. If the necessary
action
Use synonyms
 is not taken there will not be any
control
Use synonyms
 of the global events creating catastrophes. For example, the increase in the global temperature and
increase
Correct article usage
the increase
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 in the sea level.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is the ruling party's authority to take steps to
control
Use synonyms
 damages to
nature
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 and protect it.
Secondly
Linking Words
, as
humans
Use synonyms
 are part of the natural system it is our moral duty to extend our support in protecting biodiversity.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 the governments impose the rules and regulations if the civilians are not responsible there will be no safety for
nature
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, it is the people's responsibility to
control
Use synonyms
 the use of vehicles when there is global warming.
Thus
Linking Words
, everyone should extend support to protect the environment.
To conclude
Linking Words
, two parties of
humans
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 think that the government or civilians should be responsible separately for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
environmental protection, I think both parties should act and take
action
Use synonyms
 to save
nature
Use synonyms
.

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coherence and cohesion
Make your main points clearer and more focused. Each paragraph should focus on one idea or argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words to connect your ideas better. This helps the reader understand how your points relate to each other.
task achievement
Provide specific examples that directly relate to your points. This strengthens your arguments and makes them more convincing.
task achievement
You presented a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly states the topic and your intention to discuss both views.
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