IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Recent advances in medical science have resulted in increased life expectancy over the past few years. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#advances #science #life #expectancy #years
Over the
last
 decade, the advancement in medicine and technology
boosts
Wrong verb form
has boosted
show examples
 the age of human beings. It is undoubtedly true that there are both positives and negatives to the trend. In my opinion, it is agreed with the idea that it brings more benefits than drawbacks. On the one hand, it is true that society
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 benefited from the development that medical science brings.
For example
, a baby
borne
Correct your spelling
born
show examples
 with severe conditions
such
 as organ failure or immune disease can be handled better
due to
 better-equipped facilities and more experienced medical teams.
This
 can be attributed to the knowledge from research and development,
as well as
 experience built from the past.
Moreover
, the elderly with health problems can be catered to with an all-around solution.
This
 can be seen with patients with
such
 as diabetes and stroke can be treated with a total approach of medicines, exercises, nutrition and so on. When a patient is taken care of by a team of medical professionals
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
doctors, nurses, physiotherapists, and dietitians, a longer life expectancy is made possible.
Overall
, people in society can enjoy spending more time with family and their loved ones.
On the other hand
, we have to admit that when more people live a longer life, there are more burdens to society.
For instance
, there would be more burdens on the medical system. In developed cities like Hong Kong and Singapore, where people enjoy higher life expectancy, the demand for medical workers is higher.
Also
, the government
is needed
Wrong verb form
needs
show examples
 to allocate more resources to welfare,
such
 as housing to accommodate a larger population and public facilities
such
 as parks that suit the senior group. Given the ageing population, there is a lesser proportion of the workforce to carry out blue-collar jobs
such
 as construction workers, and waiters.
This
 may result in structural unemployment and the government needs to bring in cheaper workers from other cities. All in all, there are both pros and cons to the development of medicine. Provided that the longer a person lives, the more time he or she can spend with
families
Fix the agreement mistake
family
show examples
 and friends. It is believed that the benefits would outweigh the drawbacks.
Submitted by chanjeffrey65 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Task Response: Your answer presents a clear opinion on the topic and addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of increased life expectancy resulting from advances in medical science. However, some areas could be further developed to provide a more comprehensive response to the task. Consider elaborating further on the disadvantages to provide a well-rounded argument.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: Your essay demonstrates a logical structure with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. The main points are supported by relevant examples, and there is good use of cohesive devices. To enhance coherence, ensure that the ideas are linked more explicitly, and use a wider range of cohesive devices to connect the different parts of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: