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Band 6

In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #children #people #government #responsibility
An immensely controversial phenomenon in the contemporary epoch relating to childhood obesity where unhealthy food
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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leading to
this
 non-communicable disease.In many nations,youngsters are becoming obese.Some people believe that the state should be reliable.I firmly diverge
the
Change preposition
from the
show examples
 stated notion since the executive acknowledges threats and advocate health promotion while
parents
 play an enormous role in
this
 case.
This
 discourse will
further
 elucidate my assertion in the forthcoming paragraph.
Firstly
,the ministry ensures the well-being of its folks
such
 that if there is any threat from the condition,it creates awareness and
implement
Correct subject-verb agreement
implements
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 an effective solution.
Nevertheless
,apart from encouraging regular and healthy eating habits
as a result
achieving
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of achieving
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 minimum requirements,the government has no other role to play.
For example
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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 research done by the University of Nairobi depicts that most children in western countries are plump.
Consequently
,the administration has the responsibility to look into the dangers of unhealthy well
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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although
, very minimal can be achieved without guidance and monitoring of the little ones.
Secondly
,a pivotal factor in the aforementioned preposition is that
parents
 are a great source of influence on the
youths
Change noun form
youth's
youths'
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 life,despite the state putting measures on the dangers obesity can cause.
Moreover
,
parents
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parents'
parent's
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 poor choice of diet for their kids leads to abnormal sugar levels
therefore
, they have a direct impact on improving
Correct your spelling
child
child's
childs
Change to a genitive case
child's
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 health by choosing healthy eating habits.
For example
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
 research done by Kenyatta University depicts that 70% of youths live a sedentary lifestyle.
Therefore
,
parents
 are the ones who are responsible to direct the youths on the right path toward achieving the goal of eradicating the disease among the teenagers. To sum up,
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 would like to restate my perspective that the cabinet has a duty to curb the obesity pandemic,despite the small impact it can make
however
,
parents
 are responsible
of
Change the preposition
for
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 their
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
show examples
 unhealthy conditions.
Submitted by Sabina Hamisi on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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