IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Although the position of women in society today has improved, there is still a great deal of sexual discrimination. Do you agree?

#position #women #society #discrimination
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Ostensibly, with the equal right to education and profession, a tremendous increase in the status of female
counterpart
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counterparts
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 has been easily observed these days.
However
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, I totally agree with the notion that
this
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 improved position may not be succeeded to remove
gender
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 inequality because still
women
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 face many problems on
professional
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a professional
the professional
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 and domestic
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level
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levels
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.
This
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 essay will delve deeper into these in the impending paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, sexual discrimination has not
easily
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been easily
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 observed in society
especially
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,especially
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 at the time of recruitment for
armed
Correct article usage
the armed
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 forces for no reason. Apparently, in many nations,
women
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 may be considered weaker than men so they
highly
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are highly
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 likely
Fix the infinitive
to be
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be
Change the verb form
are
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 rejected in
such
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recruitment
Correct article usage
a recruitment
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 process. To cite an example, a survey conducted by The Guardian Newspaper in March
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 2015 revealed that because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gender
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 inequality, just 2
percent
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per cent
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Use synonyms
women
Change preposition
of women
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 got selected
in
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for
show examples
 the army in
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third world
Add a hyphen
third-world
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 countries.
In addition
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, there are very few options available for females to hold
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high posts in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
similar areas which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a clear example of bad conditions of
gender
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 discrimination.
Further
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, on
domestic
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a domestic
the domestic
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level
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, the situation is even worse than the anticipation.
For example
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, World
Women
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 Care, a department in the UK, mentioned in its annual report in June
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 2016 that 45000 dowry cases had been reported in Asian countries in one year which depicted the worst condition of females in
such
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 societies. Because girls who are getting married have to pay a certain amount to
bride's
Correct article usage
the bride's
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 family in order to live a happy life.
Moreover
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, even if the working girls are not able to fulfil
needs
Correct article usage
the needs
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 of
her
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 in-laws, they may face domestic violence. To conclude, it is unequivocal that even after
women
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 have participated a lot in society and raised their position, I believe that
gender
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 discrimination still follows them not only
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the professional
level
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 but
also
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 on
domestic
Add an article
a domestic
the domestic
show examples
level
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Mrjit147 on

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