IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Do you agree with that people should obey the laws and the rules?

#people #laws #rules
We live in an advanced world where people can approach
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
high-tech devices more easily. It seems that we are freer than before,
however
, if there are no respective
laws
 and
rules
 to regulate our activities, freedom will cause chaos. I would like to discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
how the
laws
 and
rules
 are critically important
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 regulating mobile phones.
Firstly
,
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 are becoming a necessity for everyone, from
basic
Add an article
the basic
show examples
 function of calling and texting to others, the developers of those gadgets have applied
e-wallet
Fix the agreement mistake
e-wallets
show examples
, e-billing, etc. Those financial-related
business
Change the determiner
businesses
show examples
 require accurate policies to make sure that the companies can keep their
customers’privacy
Correct your spelling
customers privacy
 and money
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
safe. If there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 no specific
laws
 to ensure each deal
safe
Add a missing verb
is safe
show examples
, some people in
those business
Change the determiner
that business
those businesses
show examples
 probably will embezzle money from their customers’ accounts,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 might cause
financial
Add an article
a financial
the financial
show examples
 crisis
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a large scale and people will not trust banks anymore.
Secondly
, children are inevitably addicted to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
electronic products, especially mobile phones which can connect to
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 even without WIFI traffic. If parents do not make a family rule to reduce their screen time, it will be harmful to their bodies physically and mentally, Kids
indulge
Correct pronoun usage
who indulge
show examples
 in visual
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 will lose their imagination and creativity.
Moreover
, there are a lot of applications
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 games or videos, if parents do not set a time limit and use keywords to prevent their kids to download applications as they
wishes
Change the verb form
wish
show examples
, which might cost a lot of money or
impropriate
Add a missing verb
be impropriate
show examples
 for children, it will influence them in many
perspective
Change to a plural noun
perspectives
show examples
.
For instance
, kids will
Correct your spelling
tend
show examples
trend
Correct your spelling
tend
show examples
 to avoid communication in person
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or fester a bad habit of telling lies. In conclusion, we live in a society relying on various
laws
 and
rules
 to keep everything in a good
function
Replace the word
functioning
show examples
. If someone can’t obey the
laws
 or
rules
, it will impact bad influence and break the system of trust.
Submitted by 1967388549 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: