IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#country #health #budget #proportion #treatment #education #measures
A prosperous country requires good public
health
. To that end, some believe that reallocating a portion of its
health
 budget to
health
 education and preventative measures is a better idea, and I, very carefully, agree.
Health
 education is part and parcel of an informed public
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and is crucial to a populace making smarter decisions on
health
. More information available to communities makes them better at assessing risks and acting
accordingly
. A harrowing example of its importance is during the AIDS Crisis decades ago
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when millions erroneously thought only gay men could have AIDS giving them a horrible stereotype. Simple misinformation had led to the public making grave misjudgements.
Besides
 removing or defanging public
health
 hazards, the availability of resources people
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 to prevent and mitigate harm like vaccines and therapists are equally necessary. Vaccines are cost-efficient compared to hospitalizing someone once they are sick as diagnosticians are needed, and a whole myriad of healthcare professionals in order to cure someone.
However
, despite the benefits of focusing on prevention, treatment should
then
 have the same focus as the two previously mentioned. Reallocating the
health
 budget,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
creates a sense of equality in necessity between all these aspects of public
health
. Once an illness develops, there is no way to turn back the clock, and quality treatment should still be given. In conclusion, I carefully agree because I simply want optimization of resources and not complete reallocation away from treatment. Focus on all aspects of wellness has a stronger grip on illnesses as the
health
 problems that can’t be prevented should be equally treated.
Submitted by mrskimbbeltran on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: