Many working people get little or no exercise either the working day or in their free time, and have problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?

The pie chart depicts the information about the percentile of spending on food, clothing,

medicine

and household goods from 1995 to 2011. After analyses, it can be seen clearly that the funds spent on food was 68% in the former

year

and

however

, it decreased by 9 per cent in a later

year

In contrast

, the people of China

spending

Wrong verb form

spent

show examples

almost the same percentage of their funds on

medicine

in both years. The pie chart

further

collates that, in 1995 the expenditure on household goods was 9%, while the minimum increment is seen by 4 per cent in the

year

2011. Whilst, spending on

medicine

by Chinese people in the previous

year

was only 4% but

this

increased and reached

Change preposition

apply

show examples

12 per cent in the

year

2011. Overall, the maximum expenditure done by the people of China is on food, whereas less on

medicine

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Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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4Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

145 words

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 7.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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