IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #benefit
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It is undeniable that
retirement
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 has been one of the most common things in everyone’s work life.
While
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 it is argued by some that leaving your job and stopping working because of having reached a particular
age
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 is unacceptable for some careers, others consider that many people could early retire and get a government pension. I agree with that viewpoint and believe that workers should be able to early retire if they like.
Retirement
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 at the standard
age
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 is certainly a thing of the past. The government and companies set the
age
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 at which you can retire. After that, you will get a sum of money. Nowadays, society's perspective
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has changes
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changes
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changed
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. Most employees would like to quit a job before their
retirement
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 stage. They could travel the world, seek out new experiences, or treat their illness, but they are unable to do so
due to
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 their
retirement
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 duration setting. If they resign, they will not earn the state pension. In my opinion, I believe that everyone should receive compensation money for their hard work, whether they are not 65 years old.
Moreover
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, most careers will get good effects with early
retirement
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,
for instance
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, doctors and nurses who take care of patients. They have spent their whole life in the hospital and have sacrificed themselves. Medical professionals are facing stress and pressured circumstances.
That is
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 why they ought to get a chance to take their time and do something else
instead
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 of working. They probably travel abroad and discover new things. To be honest, I think they need relaxing time.   To summarize, many people believe that setting
retirement
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age
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 for everyone without considering their job is biased which I strongly agree with that every profession should retire early if they wish.
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task response
Task Response: The response addresses the task to some extent, but the argumentation lacks depth and specificity. There is a need for clearer reasoning and more developed arguments to fully address the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay shows adequate coherence in some parts, but the overall structure and organization could be improved. There is a lack of clear introduction and conclusion, as well as a need for better connection between ideas within paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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