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Band 5

Some people think high-end technology can prevent and cut down the rate of committing crime. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #technology #rate #crime
Some argue that advanced
technology
 can prevent and decrease
crime
 rates. It is a common belief that
technology
 cannot protect
people
 from criminals.
However
, I definitely agree that the application of
technology
 can effectively prevent
crimes
 because of two reasons, which are the number of security cameras and smartphones. First of all,
due to
 the development of
technology
, the police force has been able to install many surveillance cameras on streets and roads in the city. Frequent observations and recordings can be conducted.
As a result
,
people
 are reluctant to commit
crimes
 even if it is a slight problem since they are fully aware they will be caught as soon as they do so.
For instance
, after the South Korean government put at least one security camera on a street in 2013, the number of committed
crimes
 declined significantly by 30%.
This
 shows it is effective enough to prevent a
crime
.
Furthermore
, high-end
technology
 makes it possible
that
Correct word choice
for
show examples
 every person in the world to have a smartphone.
People
 can call the police as soon as they witness a
crime
, meaning police officers can depart and arrest criminals in a
small
Correct word choice
short
show examples
 amount of time. Creating evidence
such
 as a photo and a video by using a smartphone is
also
 an important feature of
technology
. An example of
this
 is that a
robbery
Replace the word
robber
show examples
 ran away because his face was taken on a video by a smartphone
while
 he was robbing a convenience store in Seoul.
This
 implies that the sophisticated function of smartphones protects users from
crime
. For these reasons,
it is clear that
 advanced
technology
 can properly stop
people
 from committing
crimes
.
Submitted by wlgh5955 on

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task response
The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments. However, it lacks the depth and complexity expected at this level.
coherence cohesion
The essay structure is generally clear, but it could benefit from a more varied and sophisticated use of linking words and cohesive devices to enhance coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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