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Band 5

In many countries, few younger generation is attending for musical concerts and theaters physically. Why ? Should we encourage to attend more ?

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Introduction
Musical
events
Use synonyms
 and cinemas
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been less popular among youth who wish to attend physically in most communities. In
this
Linking Words
 essay I will discuss the reasons and why
it's need
Change the verb form
it needs
show examples
 to encourage
younger
Add an article
the younger
show examples
generation
Use synonyms
 to attend
such
Linking Words
events
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, Due to the high-tech there are plenty
opportunities
Change preposition
of opportunities
show examples
 to watch
these musical program
Change the determiner
this musical program
these musical programs
show examples
 and shows without attending physically. So
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
generation
Use synonyms
 is not influenced to go
Linking Words
such
Change preposition
to such
show examples
events
Use synonyms
 by leaving their comfort zone. So they wish to watch these shows and musical
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
show examples
 on YouTube,
Nefilix
Correct your spelling
Netflix
 etc...
For
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
,instance
show examples
 people who couldn't afford money to get tickets to participate
Tomorrowland
Change preposition
in Tomorrowland
show examples
 musical
events
Use synonyms
 which
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 held once a year in
certain
Add an article
a certain
show examples
 country,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will tend to watch it
on-line
Correct your spelling
online
show examples
.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
 they do not
need
Add the particle
toneed
show examples
 expend extra money on
such
Linking Words
events
Use synonyms
 and can get the same experience.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 those people who couldn't
allocated
Change the verb form
allocate
be allocated
show examples
 time to participate
these
Change preposition
in these
show examples
 shows and musical
events
Use synonyms
 can have access to watch
such
Linking Words
events
Use synonyms
 by using
online
Add an article
the online
an online
show examples
 application.
Thus
Linking Words
, it's clearly stated that the younger
generation
Use synonyms
is not tend
Change the verb form
does not tend
show examples
 to attend musical
events
Use synonyms
 and cinemas.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, event organisers need to encourage youth to attend
such
Linking Words
events
Use synonyms
. If it
is not happen
Change the verb form
does not happen
show examples
, artists couldn't gain income from their occupation.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
it's
Unnecessary verb
it
show examples
 will leads to
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 stress and depression
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
. When they organize
a musical
Correct the article-noun agreement
musical events
a musical event
show examples
events
Use synonyms
 they need to consider how they grab their audience. Event organizers can maintain
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
minimize the tickets fee and give
token
Fix the agreement mistake
tokens
show examples
 as a memory
those
Change preposition
to those
show examples
 who participated
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
events
Use synonyms
.So it will encourage to
younger
Add an article
the younger
a younger
show examples
generation
Use synonyms
 to attend live musical
events
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is undeniable fact that
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
generation
Use synonyms
 has less influenced to participate
musical
Change preposition
in musical
show examples
 programs and shows physically. They prefer to watch
such
Linking Words
events
Use synonyms
 by using
Correct article usage
an on-line
show examples
on-line
Correct your spelling
online
show examples
 application.
However
Linking Words
, we need to encourage them to attend these
events
Use synonyms
 by considering
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
.
Linking Words
Otherwise
Add a comma
,Otherwise
show examples
 they would feel that their occupation is not important to society.

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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