IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some societies, obesity is regarded as a major problem. Some people believe that junk food advertising is largely to blame for this problem and should be banned. However, others feel that junk food advertising does not contribute to the problem of obesity and should not be banned. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#societies #obesity #people #junk #food
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
This
 debate about whether betty fat in a human body is caused by
junk
food
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
or not
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 has been going around among many societies for a while now.
Junk
food
 is advertised by the seller so that they can sell and make
profit
Add an article
a profit
show examples
 but some part
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
population
 don't support
this
 advertisement and are against it, demanding a shut down of
this
junk
food
industries
Fix the agreement mistake
industry
show examples
.
Where
Correct word choice
Whereas
show examples
other
Change the wording
another
show examples
 part of the
population
 believes that
junk
food
 and its advertisement has nothing to do with belly fat. I think both the arguments has
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 own point of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
.
Firstly
, if I discuss with the societies
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 are not in support of the
junk
food
 industries.
Then
 it can be outlined that they are indicating
junk
food
 as an unhealthy diet which causes problems in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 human body and makes people fat in
a
Change the article
an
show examples
unfavorable
Change the spelling
unfavourable
show examples
 way. In
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, almost half of the
population
suffer
Correct subject-verb agreement
suffers
show examples
 due to excessive consumption of
junk
food
\fast
food
.
For example
 the corporate areas in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 where the major part of the
population
 are always in a rush to work so they get very little or no time to cook or have a healthy meal. So their fastest way for
a
Remove the article
food
a portion of food
show examples
food
 is fast
food
, which is easy and convenient but they are
Correct your spelling
unaware
show examples
unware
Correct your spelling
unaware
show examples
 of
unhealthy
Correct article usage
the unhealthy
show examples
 diet
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 are putting on. Later slowly they get sick and due to
over weight
Correct your spelling
overweight
show examples
 their lifespan reduces.
Although
, some people state that
junk
food
its
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 really unhealthy for them,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they still tend to consume luring by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
attractive advertisement but
advertising
Add an article
the advertising
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
junk
food
 has nothing to do with obesity. People who are concerned about their health and are knowledgeable about the components in
food
 are more likely to avoid weight-related issues altogether. It implies that regardless of how often individuals saw advertisements for
junk
food
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 if they truly care about their physical and mental wellbeing, they won't regularly consume it. Adults prefer dining at home over eating out since eating
junk
food
, which is full of health dangers, is not essential. In conclusion, I would underline that
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 actually up to us how we allow things in our life. So balancing everything is very important. Advertisements are there to attract us but if we know how to control our greed and maintain a
Correct your spelling
healthy
show examples
heathy
Correct your spelling
healthy
show examples
 diet
then
 there won't be any health
realated
Correct your spelling
related
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: