IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

More and more young people from wealthy countries are spending time in communities in poorer countries doing unpaid work such as teaching or building houses. Why is this? Who benefits more from this, the communities or these young people?

#people #countries #time #communities #work #houses
In
this
 era, there is an upward tendency that teenagers
participate
Fix the infinitive
to participate
show examples
 in helping poorer areas voluntary in terms of education and construction of buildings. In
this
 essay, the reasons for
this
 phenomenon will be discussed as well as who
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
truly benefited. There are several reasons to explain why an increasing number of younger generations would like to assist the poorer.
To begin
 with, social justice plays a vital role in
this
 model. While resources are allocated unevenly around the world, it is undoubted that some people possess considerable materials but some cannot be lifted out of poverty.
Hence
, in order to achieve justice, more and more young crowds are passionate about distributing resources fairly in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unrich areas.
Moreover
, many organizations
such
 as doctors without borders devote themselves to developing countries and they broadcast their experiences to the public which significantly inspires young people to attain those activities. From my perspective, I believe that a man who is giving obtains more compared to the one who is receiving.
Firstly
, involving volunteering activities is a precious experience for teenagers to acquire not only assisting skills but
also
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of accomplishment.
Hence
, their abilities are enhanced and they possess more confidence to handle their obstacles.
Secondly
, junior members
also
 gradually understand themselves and what they want to be in the future during these events.
Therefore
, it is why the number of students who want to have a gap year increases dramatically nowadays. In conclusion, social justice and the broadcast of volunteering organizations are two primary factors that trigger more teenagers to do unsalaried jobs in developing countries and they are more benefited than those who are gained assistance.
Submitted by wanchu.nien on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: