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Band 5

Celebrities are famous for their weath and glamorous lifestyles rather than their achievements. This sets a bad example for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with that idea?

#celebrities #weath #lifestyles #achievements #sets #people #idea
The
Correct article usage
Celebrities
show examples
celebrities
 are more famous regarding
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their wealth and
luxury
Replace the word
luxurious
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 lifestyle than what they achieved
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their life and goal. I believe that
this
mislead
Change the verb form
misleads
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers and youth people
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the wrong way
although
 a lot of
celebrities
 are known for their achievements and lifestyle.
First
 of all, there is a fact that many
celebrities
 are popular for their outstanding achievements and performances. These people have shown the world that they achieve
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
award
Fix the agreement mistake
awards
show examples
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
hard
Add a hyphen
hard-working
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working
Replace the word
work
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, training, strong determination and
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
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 their skills and attitudes. Christiano Ronaldo is one of the best
example
Change to a plural noun
examples
show examples
. He
spend
Change the verb form
spends
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 most of his time in training,
focus
Change the verb form
focuses
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 on what he needs for his career improvement,
develop
Change the verb form
develops
show examples
 his skills and
behave
Correct subject-verb agreement
behaves
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 to achieve his ambitions and good
attitudes
Fix the agreement mistake
attitude
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.
As a result
, he gets respect from most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people and becomes
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 idol
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 teenagers and many athletes.
On the other hand
, some
celebrities
 are well-known for their glamour and wealth
what
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 they do not really
worthy
Replace the word
worth
show examples
. They may
inherited
Change the verb form
inherit
show examples
 money from their parents, famous because their parents are well-known in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and rich. A good example is Jaden Smith, the actor and singer, who is famous
by
Change preposition
for
show examples
 his father’s, Will Smith, image. He played the main role in The Karate Kid which is co-produced by Will Smith. He did not go for auditions,
can
Correct word choice
and can
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 get the main role in some of the movies co-produced by his father. For these reasons, he
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not get respect from others and they always blame his success
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
because of his father. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
, who are
well-known
Correct quantifier usage
more well-known
show examples
 for their glamour and luxury lifestyle than their outstanding achievements, are the bad role model for teenagers.
Submitted by tr.zarwaihnin on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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