IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Young people committing crimes should be treated the same as adults by the authorities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults #authorities
It is argued that teenagers should be punished
similarly
as
Change preposition
to
show examples
adults
 by the law if they commit crimes. From my perspective, I completely disagree with
this
 statement and the following essay is going to illustrate the reasons. There are some reasons to explain why I do not think that it is proper to treat young
people
 as
adults
.
To begin
 with, teenagers have not developed comprehensively both mentally and physically.
Therefore
, if they acquire severe treatments, they might not endure those punishments and
result
Wrong verb form
resulting
show examples
 in serious consequences in terms of their minds and bodies.
Furthermore
, it is undoubted that adolescents do not possess enough judgement to identify which behaviour is right or wrong.
As a result
, they are easily manipulated by others to participate in some illegal events. In
this
 circumstance, a light warning will be a precious deterrence to young
people
 to commit crimes again.
Instead
 of serious treatments the same as
adults
, I believe that rehabilitation is more significant to younger generations due to various reasons.
First
 of all, education plays a vital role to assist
people
 to cultivate an appropriate personality
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
their
Change the word
an
show examples
 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
. Rehabilitation allows young criminals to understand the reason why they should not break the law rather than pure punishments.
Secondly
, the expenditure spent on prison is far more expensive than spent on rehabilitation.
Hence
, the government can allocate more money to
other area
Change the wording
another area
other areas
show examples
 that can benefit the whole
pubic
Correct your spelling
public
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
 some
people
 argue that adolescents should be considered the same as
adults
, I believe they should be treated differently because of immature minds, bodies, and behaviours.
Submitted by wanchu.nien on

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Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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