Some people think that outdoor activities are more beneficial for children’s development than playing computer games. What extent do you agree or desagree with statement!

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
some
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
of people believe that outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
which are more physically have more advantages. From my point of view, I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
group because I think whatever can improve our physical abilities, can make our brain better and it is much better than playing video
games
Use synonyms
. To start with, computer
games
Use synonyms
have many advantages like, they can make our reaction faster and
also
Linking Words
they cause being good at solving problems. whereas
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
not only you can have
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
advantages with outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
, but
also
Linking Words
you can prevent
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the illness which comes from being over-weight.
for instance
Linking Words
, children who play as
Add an article
an athlete
show examples
athlete
Fix the agreement mistake
athletes
show examples
in
team-sport
Correct your spelling
team sport
show examples
have both benefits of computer
games
Use synonyms
and outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
or
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
short swimming in the pool. more importantly, outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
not just about sport. every parent should try to develop the social abilities of their children.
also
Linking Words
,outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
teach children
nermous
Correct your spelling
nervous
of helpful life skills .
Although
Linking Words
computer
games
Use synonyms
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
, having communication with your mates is the best way to make your child a social person.
for example
Linking Words
, shopping with your friends, going to the park or swimming pool or even solving puzzles are more efficient than just sitting and playing video
games
Use synonyms
which
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may harm your body and have
a long-term disorders
Correct the article-noun agreement
a long-term disorder
long-term disorders
show examples
. to sum up, I totally agree with those people
believe
Correct pronoun usage
who believe
show examples
outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
are more efficient than video
games
Use synonyms
because of the disadvantages that I mentioned.
Submitted by ario1381 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: