IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries children take up paid jobs during the summer vacation. Some people feel that this amounts to child labour. Others argue that summer jobs help children learn valuable lessons. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #children #jobs #summer #vacation #people #amounts #child #labour #lessons
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The World is a materialistic place so to achieve anything earning money becomes more essential.
Although
 today's youth tends to work at a lesser age for money or valuable lessons some still
feels
Change the verb form
feel
show examples
 it is child labour
whereas
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 feel vice versa. I
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 discuss both views in detail in the upcoming paragraphs.
Firstly
, there are many circumstances where students have to take some paid jobs during their holidays as they or their parents may not meet with financial conditions for education fees , some parents feel that it is important for their cohorts to start part-time jobs as they can learn many skills
such
 as earning money is difficult, values to treat people and learn about the system, they become more stable and matured .Hard work pays off to fulfil the deeds.
For example
, there was a survey at The University Of Regina, Saskatchewan ,Canada that youths who were doing part-time jobs in different fields were more confident and developed less stage fear than the non-working category.
On the other hand
, some people still have a mentality that
while
 studying they should not be allowed to work which
put
Wrong verb form
puts
show examples
 them under so much burden at an early age.
This
 may result in fewer scores in academics and ultimately it affects on minds and health of young guns
thus
 child labour should not be allowed from a few people's view.
For example
,a survey from the same university about the results of students who were not working scored higher grades than the others.
To conclude
, Working at a young age doesn't just mean earning but
also
 learning plenty of skills will help in the
overall
 development of cohorts which ultimately develop a nice place to live.
Submitted by 56tushar on

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task response
Try to avoid overgeneralizations such as 'The world is a materialistic place' as it can seem simplistic or sweeping. Improve the specificity of your introduction to relate more specifically to the topic of children taking up summer jobs.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure all paragraphs have clear topic sentences. The paragraphs discussing each view need distinct introductory sentences to clarify the main point.
task response
The survey examples could be more detailed and accurately integrated into the argument to make them more relevant.
coherence and cohesion
Check your work for grammatical errors, like missing articles ('example, there was a survey' should be 'there was an example of a survey'), and improve sentence construction for greater fluency.
task response
You've successfully covered both perspectives on the topic, giving balanced weight to each side.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your argument and presents your stance clearly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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