IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help prevent illness and diseas. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #focus #pollution #illness #diseas
With the advancement of
mankind
Add a comma
,mankind
show examples
 difficulties have
also
 increased over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time,
thus
 many
people
 advocate that the administrating bodies have a duty to help in the issues related to both environment and accommodation to have a healthy population. I strongly agree with
this
 thought. It has been witnessed that those leaders who have paid attention to
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
reducing the environmental and housing problems are not just admired by their pupil but has contributed to the economic development and prosperous population. Bhutan is the epitome of success in
this
 scenario, where most of the
people
 survive much more than any other country and is
also
 the only county in the world
that is
 carbon negative. The subjects there are even said to be amongst the happiest
people
 on the planet.
Therefore
, since a government serves the citizens so it is the responsibility of the
Correct your spelling
government
governement
Correct your spelling
government
 to look after the
people
. Due to the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
development in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent
times
Add a comma
,times
show examples
 it has been encountered that less consideration is paid to the nature and the living condition of the crowd,
thus
 having a detrimental effect on the population, in turn, the quality of labour has deteriorated which has put a lot of pressure to import labours from other countries.
For instance
, there is a surge in the number of
people
 who are travelling to the USA from Africa and India, many of them take up brown-collar jobs as the labour wages are much higher due to scarcity of them. These
people
 often send back their earned money
instead
 of contributing to the country where they are employed,
thus
 having an economic side effect. To recapitulate, it is the responsibility of the government
provide
Fix the infinitive
to provide
show examples
 a
pollution free
Add a hyphen
pollution-free
show examples
 environment along with a shelter where citizens could live disease free
instead
 of squandering the public money on the stuff that will harmful effects on them.
Submitted by Fatima on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: