IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the Internet. What potential problems may this trend lead to? What solutions can you suggest to deal with it?

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It is clear that
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 the invention of the
Internet
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 has led to dramatic changes in the way information is shared.
However
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, there is a view that social
media
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, which is a part of the
Internet
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, has risen in popularity for young people to
access
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 without any supervision from parents.
This
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 essay will discuss some of the issues that might arise
as a result
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 of
this
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 situation and propose some ways to mitigate them.  With regards to allowing
kids
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 to use a
smart phone
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smartphone
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, one pressing problem is that if
kids
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 have
access
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 to social
media
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 apps, they can be exposed to unnecessary
contents
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content
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 that are not appropriate for their age.
This
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 is because some parents obviously give them a mobile phone to monitor their location by using the GPS. Since most
kids
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 have many schedules for taking extracurriculars aside from school, they have to move from one site to another.
Consequently
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, if juveniles use the phone without any monitoring tool, they can
access
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 a porn site, which can have a bad implication for their brain and
then
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 lower their academic achievements in school.
This
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 issue could be mitigated by installing a monitoring application that can record all the activities on the kid's device and
then
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 send the report to their father's device.  Another concern in terms of consuming information is that much of what we read online is not true. The reason for
this
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 is that there are few users on social
media
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 who have motives to direct young people to do something negative by spreading fake videos or images.
For instance
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, there are videos on social
media
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 showing young people pranking the elderly in order to make funny clips.
However
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, those videos are not real;
instead
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, they are just
acting among
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showing
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 the actors behind the scenes.
As a result
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, if
this
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 type of activity is repeated by
kids
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, it will have the bad consequence of making any parent have a heart attack
due to
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 being shocked
while
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 being pranked. To tackle
this
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 issue, the government, as a regulator, has to be proactive and check and validate any content on social networks. If there is harmful content, it must be taken down from the
Internet
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 as soon as possible.  In conclusion, two of the most significant dangers that children who have
access
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 to the
internet
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 in an unsupervised manner may present are accessing adult
contents
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content
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 and fake information.
However
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, these problems can be managed by installing a monitoring activity app and applying a regulation from the government to monitor and remove any traffic data on social
media
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 that has a negative impact.

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task response
To improve task response, consider addressing the issues and solutions more comprehensively. Make sure to clearly link the problems with their corresponding solutions.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, breaking longer sentences into shorter ones can enhance readability. Also, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly presents the topic and sets the stage for the discussion, which is excellent.
supported main points
Main points are generally well-supported by relevant examples, which strengthens the essay.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • unsupervised access
  • inappropriate content
  • cyberbullying
  • anonymity
  • technology addiction
  • screen time
  • physical health
  • mental health
  • privacy concerns
  • predatory individuals
  • self-image
  • social withdrawal
  • emotional consequences
  • real-life relationships
  • unrealistic comparisons
What to do next:
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