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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Watching television is bad for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#television #children
Children
's needs are highly
prioritize
Wrong verb form
prioritised
show examples
 and
also
 put into consideration while
carry
Change the verb form
carrying
show examples
 out their wants and need. In
this
essay
Add a comma
,essay
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 am of the say that
television
 watching is not really good for the kids.
Firstly
,
children
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 a very tender but smart memory
while
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 they are much younger, exposing
children
 to watching
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
television
 could make their mind to be preoccupied
by
Change the preposition
with
show examples
 some nasty home video display,
also
. Watching
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
television
abstract
Replace the word
abstracts
show examples
 them from their social lifestyle amongst other
children
 thereby making them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
become anti-social.
Secondly
, there are other
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 kids can use in place of
television
for
Add the comma(s)
,for
show examples
 example , kid's iPad tablet all thanks to
iPhone
Correct article usage
the iPhone
show examples
 company who created
such
 products. With
this
 iPad tablet
Add a comma
,
show examples
lots of kiddies games and educative apps could be downloaded and
further
 broadens their knowledge
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
show examples
 in calculation scheme.
Thirdly
, it encourages them to take
studied
Correct pronoun usage
their studied
show examples
 serious ,and perhaps carry out their assignment diligently. Getting
glue
Wrong verb form
glued
show examples
 to the
television
 will
detrimental
Add a missing verb
be detrimental
show examples
 to child's mental health because it limits so much basic knowledge they ought to know while studying. Other than watching
television
 kids can get diversional therapy by taking them to the park or shopping mall to play different varieties of
children
's
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 with their fellow peers, and
hence
, improve their physical fitness.
Furthermore
 ,
children
 will learn the basic things around the house
for
Add the comma(s)
,for
show examples
 example, there comes a certain time in
age
Add an article
the age
an age
show examples
 of a child he or
she
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will be to carry out domestic chores at home. Reading certain interesting novels improves learning and vocabulary.
Children
 who study more
outshines
Change the verb form
outshine
show examples
 more than other peers who spend more time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching the
television
.
Submitted by adaobihedioha12 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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