IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Policemen carrying a gun may encourage the level of violence. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#policemen #gun #level #violence
It is assumed that if a policeman is armed with
guns
, it will give rise to
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 violent
society
;
however
, I will disagree with
this
 claim due to the irrelevant connections behind the claim. There
seems
Change the verb form
seem
show examples
 to be reasons as to why the gun ownership of the
police
 begets
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
apprehension about
further
 violence around us. Those who think in
this
 way may point to several potential pitfalls as consequences of arming the
police
 force – the act may be interpreted by the populace as a symptom of
unsafe
Correct article usage
an unsafe
show examples
society
, which tends to stimulate a frenzy of possessing arms among the majority for the sake of self-protection – it will inevitably exacerbate the abuse of weapons in
society
. To complicate
Add an article
the matter
show examples
matter
Fix the agreement mistake
matters
show examples
even
Add the comma(s)
,even
show examples
 more,
police
 officers are prone to misuse of
guns
 in dealing with tricky conditions in public, which might injure or even kill innocent bystanders. Plausible though the above misgivings seem, it is difficult for me to see societal violence as a consequence of equipping the
police
 with
guns
. The problem with the fear is the lack of
causal
Add an article
a causal
show examples
 link between the premise and conclusion – those critics are oblivious to the fact that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violent crime is a
complicate
Replace the word
complicated
show examples
 conundrum that should have been attributed to various causations, whether these be inadequate governmental supervision over weapon deals
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or the influence of media violence on impressionable adolescents.
By contrast
, the
police
 can use
guns
 as an effective deterrent to potential lawbreakers and scare off
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
would-be criminals,
thus
 may reduce the crime rate to a large extent. From what has been discussed above, I don’t believe it is reasonable to attribute the violent affliction in
society
 to the gun ownership of the
police
.
Submitted by alexpan1027 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Get your IELTS Essential Vocabulary List —
What to do next:
Look at other essays: