IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In the future, there will be a higher proportion of older people than young people in many countries. Is it a positive or negative development?

#future #proportion #people #countries #development
The subject
regarding
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Change the article
a
show examples
 large number of elderly
people
 appears to be one that receives much attention. It is speculated that in the foreseeable future, the percentage of older
people
 will account for more than that of youngsters in several nations. In my opinion, the rapid increase of the older population may result in a myriad of issues. To commence with, if the world population were to get older, there could emerge a predicament, which is
labour
Add an article
a labour
show examples
 shortage. Due to the obvious fact that the body condition of older individuals
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not allow them to endure demanding tasks, industries have to rely on workers who are
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
superior in strength to handle the manual work. As a consequence, when more members of society belong to the older age group, corporations will likely experience great difficulty in recruiting suitable employees.
This
 may lead to a decline in productivity of several businesses, directly damaging the economy as a whole.
Furthermore
, elders are significantly more fragile compared to those who are of the younger generation, evidenced by the fact that when
people
 become older, their health system
too
Replace the word
to
show examples
 begins to degrade, resulting in the vulnerability to illness and diseases that can be witnessed in a multitude of elderly
people
.
This
,
consequently
, produces a plethora of problems
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the healthcare system.
For instance
, the expense required to support and treat senior patients is considerably high, especially when health facilities have to renovate and innovate their equipment in order to meet the demand of those patients.
Additionally
, there is a likelihood that
this
 trend will cause hospitals to be overcrowded, which may bring detrimental consequences for the patients as well as the medical
institutions's
Remove the s
institutions'
show examples
 staff. In conclusion, if the population of nations continues to age rapidly, there may be outcomes that are hazardous to the economy alongside the healthcare system.
Submitted by nghiemthanhlong432005 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: