IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that criminals should be put into prison as long as possible. However, others believe that it is necessary to educate those people in local community. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #criminals #prison #community
A section of society is of the opinion that offenders should be placed in cells for a long time
whereas
 others opine that it is mandatory to give them education in the community.I agree with the former because it will serve as a deterrent to others.
This
 essay will discuss both sides of the
arguments
Fix the agreement mistake
argument
show examples
as well as
 my stance in the subsequent paragraphs with examples. On the one hand,I and some
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 of thought are of the view that criminals should be placed in prison so that it will prevent inhabitants from committing crimes.If they are not placed in cells ,inhabitants will have an idea of
also
 doing the same.
For example
 ,In Ghana ,if an individual commits murder ,they are given life imprisonment and
this
 has prevented citizens
to commit
Change preposition
from committing
show examples
such
 an act.
Therefore
 ,the number of murder cases has gone down drastically.
On the other hand
,some individuals opine that educating them will make them find occupation.some people are from a poor background and because of that ,they did not get the chance to have formal teaching.To be employed,an individual needs qualifications because they do not have that.That individual tends to commit offences so giving them vocational training will help them to get work to do which will prevent them from going to the streets.
For instance
, Mr Ramz who was a notorious army robber has stopped and is currently a carpenter
as a result
 of the vocational training he received. In conclusion, some people opine that criminals should be given an education in order for them to find jobs
while
 I and a section of society are of the opinion that they must serve a long time in prison to prevent others from doing the same act.
Submitted by agozie2018 on

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Task Response
The essay does not fully respond to the task prompt. The two sides of the argument are presented with minimal development, and the opinion of the writer is unclear.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear logical structure. The introduction and conclusion are present but need further development. The supporting points are not well connected, leading to incoherence.

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