IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think woman should be allowed to join the army, the Navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, it has been a subject of debate if equal employment opportunities should be accorded the
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
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 folk in the military sector.
However
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,
in
Change preposition
from
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 my perspective, I completely
agreed
Wrong verb form
agree
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 with the theme and
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also
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apply
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this
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 essay will
further
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 explain my stand in the subsequent paragraphs. First of all, every individual has the right to work in different fields of life irrespective of
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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gender status ,in as much
they
Correct word choice
as they
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 meet
up with
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apply
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the requirements and military institutions are no exception.
Therefore
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, denial will amount to an abuse of fundamental rights and a great setback for the fight against gender inequality.
For instance
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, girls have
shown
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been shown
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 to perform excellently in university in most examinations than men.
Thus
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, attention should be on what each applicant has to offer
than
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rather than
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 the sex.
Secondly
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, ladies are known to be better dedicated and have a high tendency to perform at a given task.
For example
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, in Nigeria during the struggle for independence from the British, there were women who fought alongside males to get us the freedom we enjoy today. Mrs Agage and Rotimi showed great resilience and even reported being assigned to the more difficult tasks which they achieved successfully.
That is
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 to ,say they were able to prove that being a woman doesn't make one a lesser being.
On the other hand
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,
although
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, the other individuals disagreed with the notion because they considered the defence job as being tedious,
hence
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, it should be reserved for boys.
Besides
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, there are more women
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 have been reported to be stronger than guys.
Lastly
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 ,girls have been known to be tenacious, energetic, and dedicated and some have been reported to show character more in handling difficult tasks as gentlemen oftentimes they exceeded beyond par.
Subsequently
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, gender should not be a barrier or tool to deny girls folk a career in the
defences sectors
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defence sector
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, rather than the competency of an individual applicant.

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task response
Improve task response by addressing the specific extent to which you agree or disagree with the prompt, and by providing a clear position in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Improve coherence and cohesion by structuring your essay with clear paragraphs and linking words to connect ideas and support the development of your arguments.
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