IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

#television #children #two #five #support
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Nowadays,
television
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 become an important daily life item because it is where we can get knowledge, factual news
all
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from all
show examples
 around the world, and entertainment.
Television
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 is indeed not the only medium to transform all of them globally,
however
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,
this
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 is the only technology that most people can access rather
the
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than the
show examples
 internet. But, recently
pop up
Verb problem
,
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 an issue about whether advertising through
television
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that is
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 directed at young
children
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 should be banned or not. I do not think
this
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 statement has a more beneficial impact than it's unnecessary. First of all, I believe that
parents
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 have full responsibility for their toddler’s show. Actually, young
children
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with
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at
show examples
 the age of five can not choose the channel that they want to watch.
Parents
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 should be there aside from their
children
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 to control what their kids can see. If negative influence advertising appears,
parents
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 can immediately switch the channel or turn on the
television
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.
That is
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 the logical solution for avoiding their
children
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 from
such
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 an advertisement.
Secondly
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, most people advise the
government
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for creating
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to create
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 regulations about banning advertising directed toward young
children
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.
Instead
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 of doing that, I think the
government
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 should publish certain rules for advertising
companies
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.
For instance
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, the
government
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 arranges anything that includes an ethical manner, especially for
aged
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 two to five. So, the
companies
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 can sell their products and people can not be influenced by
containing
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apply
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explicit and bad language.
To sum up
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, I strongly disagree
about
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with
show examples
 restrictions on
television
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 advertising for young
children
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. We can not forbid the
companies
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 to promote their product because
parents
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 have the obligation to determine what their kids see on TV and there is an alternative solution from the
government
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 to set the rules for advertising
companies
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.
Submitted by futri3841 on

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task response
Your response provides a clear opinion on the issue and supports it with relevant reasons and examples. You have addressed the prompt effectively.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, and the main points are supported throughout the essay. However, the logical progression between ideas could be improved by using better transition words and phrases.
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