IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Older people often choose to spend money on themselves (e.g. on holidays) rather than save money for their children after retirement. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #money #e #g #holidays #children #retirement #development
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Retirees are seen spending
money
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 on themselves like going on holidays
instead
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that
Change preposition
of
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 saving
money
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 for their
children
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 after their post-retirement. It depends on the financial stability of the family whether to decide and in my opinion,
that is
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 a positive development.
To begin
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 with, they should economical some
money
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 for their
children
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. Because of their
children
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's maturity, they must have an amount of
money
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 to provide for their
children
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.
For example
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, annual tuition fees for
children
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 to go to school, school supplies and food for
children
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.
Moreover
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, they
also
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 have to
use
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 the
money
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 to buy household items or prepare for emergencies
such
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 as the illness of family members and
also
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 buy food for their family.
However
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, they should
also
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use
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 that
money
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 for their relaxation.
On the other hand
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, seniors should
use
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 their
money
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 for what they want. They can
use
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 their pension to go on a vacation for themselves because they have spent their life trying to work and earn a lot of
money
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 so now is the right time for them to enjoy life by travelling or going out.
In addition
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, the fact that they
use
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 the pension for themselves
also
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 helps their
children
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.
For instance
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, not giving
money
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 to their
children
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 helps them not to be dependent on their parents and makes them more independent and mature by going to work or finding a job for themselves so they earn
money
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 and
use
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 their own
money
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. In conclusion, they are more likely to spend their
money
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 on themselves than on their families and make sure there is enough
money
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 for their
children
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.
Submitted by vuanhhibstrading on

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task response
The essay does not fully address the prompt and lacks clear, comprehensive ideas.
coherence cohesion
There are logical gaps and inconsistencies in the structure of the essay, leading to a lack of coherence and cohesion. The introduction and conclusion are present, but they need improvement in terms of clarity and relevance to the topic.
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