IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on smartphones. why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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A section of the young generation utilizes a long duration of their time on mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 daily.
This
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 is because of social media and assignments.
However
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,
this
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 is a detrimental trend because of illness.
This
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 essay will explain in detail the reasons for my stance
as well as
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 examples in the subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
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 with,the most compelling factor for long duration on mobile by children is social media.The majority of youngsters
use
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 most social networks to do a lot of activities
such
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 as chatting and watching funny videos in order to relax stress.
For instance
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 ,most young people
use
Use synonyms
 social networks like Facebook,Instagram and Twitter every day.They spend at least 6 hours.
Although
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 funny videos help them relax
stress
Change preposition
from stress
show examples
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
also
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causes
Correct subject-verb agreement
cause
show examples
 eye
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
.
Moreover
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,it helps them to do their research.Most students do not have money to buy laptops so they tend to
use
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 their
phones
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 mostly for their assignments.
Hence
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 leading to them using their smartphones each day.
Secondly
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,
this
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 is a negative development because of sickness.When they are using their
phones
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,their eyes are glued to the screen of the
phones
Use synonyms
 which
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 vision
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in the long run.
For example
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 ,a colleague of mine is blind
as a result
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 of his eyes being glued to his phone for a long time.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
show examples
 should limit phone
use
Use synonyms
 so that the citizens will be healthier.It causes deafness because of radiation emitted into the body because of its continued
use
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 of it. In conclusion,the essay argued about factors
as well as
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 the negative trends of smartphones.Social networks and research are the two main reasons youngsters
use
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phones
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 for a long time
whereas
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 eye problem is the demerit associated with it.
Submitted by yahayasonde2 on

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task response
Ensure that the essay directly addresses the prompt and fully develops all aspects of the question. Your arguments should be relevant and should support your position clearly.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and logical organization. Ensure that there is a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Use transition words and phrases to connect your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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