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Band 4.5

The internet has transformed the way information is shared and consumed, but it has also created problems that did not exist before. What are the most serious problems associated with the internet and what solutions can you suggest?

#internet #information
I totally agree with the statement that the
internet
 has changed the world significantly. It has
also
 various consequences and benefits to using the
internet
.
Firstly
,
Due to
 the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
, communication is now far better than before. People
also
 transformed themselves and
also
 upgraded. Communities are using the
internet
 for various purposes so that information can be shared. Early 90s people
use
Wrong verb form
used
show examples
 different methods of communication ,
for example
, postcards,
fax
Fix the agreement mistake
faxes
show examples
, letters, etc. Now it is creating problems and various incidents are happening
such
 as cybercrime , banking fraud, govt officials' data being leaked. Government should create awareness among the people and stay away from fraud.
Moreover
, the problems associated with the
internet
 made an alarming situation for all the communities. Nowadays, teenagers are using the
internet
 more and they do not know the purpose of using the
internet
 and visiting auspicious sites which will create a bad impact on society.
Due to
this
 many problems can arise which will make other children vulnerable.
For example
, nowadays students do auspicious activities in society which makes them vulnerable and creates a bad impression.
Lastly
, the most important thing is for parents they should keep their eye on their children's activities in their daily life
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so that they should not divert their minds to the unknown things which are not helpful for society as well for them.
To conclude
,
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
 has made the world beautiful in a better way, but the results and outcomes should be beautiful if the usage is done in a proper manner.
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task response
Task Response: The response does not fully address the prompt and lacks a clear discussion of the problems associated with the internet as well as relevant solutions. The essay should focus more on the specific problems and solutions related to the internet, and provide a deeper analysis of their impacts.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay lacks a clear logical structure, with ideas presented in a disorganized manner. Better organization, with cohesive linking devices and a more systematic approach to the discussion, is needed. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion should be more explicit and effectively summarize the key points of the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cybersecurity
  • phishing
  • identity theft
  • misinformation
  • fake news
  • social isolation
  • internet addiction
  • data privacy
  • digital literacy
  • regulations
  • awareness programs
  • manipulate
  • proliferation
  • consent
  • escalated
What to do next:
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