IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

The education you receive from your family is more important than the education you receive from school. To what extent do you agree with this statement and why?

#education #school
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The line graph shows the
cinema
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 attendance across various
age
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groups
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 in the US between 2000 and 2011. Overall, it is readily apparent that attendance increased for all
groups
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, with young people 15-24
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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mostly addicted to
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the theater
a theater
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theater
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theatre
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 and
others
Correct pronoun usage
other
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 two
age
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groups
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 7-14 and 25-35 were equally approached with a similar trend to
Use synonyms
cinema
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the cinema
a cinema
show examples
 in 2011. As people got older, they tended to go to the
cinema
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 less frequently. As the graph shows that in 2000, approximately 15
percentage
Replace the word
percent
show examples
 of the
age
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group
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 of 15-25 people
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
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started going to the
cinema
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 was slightly more than the other
age
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group
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.
This
Linking Words
 figure
then
Linking Words
 rose steadily to over 30
percent
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per cent
show examples
 by 2004 and fluctuated between approximately 35 to 51
percent
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per cent
show examples
 for the
next
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 several years and finished at 52
percent
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per cent
show examples
 in the year
of
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apply
show examples
2011.
However
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, the percentage of
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
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of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
35 and above was very small. It increased steadily,
started
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 from 1% and finished at 13% at the end of the
terms
Fix the agreement mistake
term
show examples
.
By contrast
Linking Words
, the trends of watching
Add an article
a movie
the movie
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movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
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of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
age
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groups
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 of 7-14 and 25-35
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
started from 10% and 5% respectively. The attendance rate was unstable until 2005,
then
Linking Words
 it
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
reached
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 peaked of 38%
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2010 for the
age
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group
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 of 7-14.
on the other hand
Linking Words
, the peak rate was 32% for the
age
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group
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 of 25-35 at the year of 2009. Both of these
age
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groups
Use synonyms
 ended at 30% over the period.
Submitted by tofabd on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial literacy
  • budgeting
  • savings
  • investing
  • tax obligations
  • retirement planning
  • loans
  • credit
  • interest rates
  • crowded curricula
  • traditional academic subjects
  • real-life experiences
  • parental guidance
  • practical
  • intellectually rigorous
  • school syllabus
  • gig economy
  • income-streams
  • challenging
  • trained teachers
  • specialized field
What to do next:
Look at other essays: