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Band 4.5

Electronic inventions bring a negative effect on our health. Agree or disagree?

#inventions #effect #health
Some
people
 think electronic products negatively affect our
health
. In my opinion, I disagree with that, because they help
people
 get rid of many labour
works
 and bring
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
 useful
information
 for our
health
. Many new electronic devices aid
people
 avoid many heavy
works
. Almost adults and even children have a
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
smart phone
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
 nowadays. They can use them to contact
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their friends and family easily, which
save
Correct subject-verb agreement
saves
show examples
 them a lot of
time
 to seat in front of
table
Correct article usage
a table
show examples
 to write letters.
In addition
, some new
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artificial
artifical
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artificial
intelegent
Correct your spelling
intelligent
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 can be only controlled by one
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 to do a large range of
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 in
manufacture
Wrong verb form
manufacturing
show examples
.
This
 can replace many labours to work on the horrible fluent line which is bloody harmful to workers both in
phycial
Correct your spelling
physical
 and mental as shown in the film Morden
Time
. These inventions could
also
 bring helpful
information
 for
people
's
health
. Some individuals might argue that most
people
 could spend too much
time
to watch
Change the verb form
watching
show examples
 televisions, computers or phones, which may cause
eyes
Fix the agreement mistake
eye
show examples
 or back problems.
However
, there are many protection modes in these new products. We can apply them if we do not want to use them
too
Change preposition
for too
show examples
 long
time
. More importantly, there are more and more free or cheap fitness applications that can be applied on cell phones or tablets. They can offer
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
information
 and suggestions to everyone, especially to the
people
 who do not have enough money or
time
 to go to
gym
Add an article
the gym
show examples
. To conclude,
although
 electronic inventions might bring
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Choose an article
the
a
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
 a negative effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
people
's
health
, I strongly believe that the problem is able to be solved, and these new products save
people
 from heavy
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 and give
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
 helpful
information
 to improve
people
's
health
.
Submitted by 2587729786 on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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