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Band 3.5

The internet has transformed the way information is shared and consumed, bit it has also created problems that did not exist before. What are the most serious problems associated with internet and what solutions can you suggest?

#internet #information #bit
In
this
 technological era, everything is developing with time. Nowadays, the
internet
 has changed the method of sharing and consuming
data
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
create
Wrong verb form
creating
show examples
 problems which are not experienced in the past. In
this
 essay, problems and their solutions will be discussed with suitable examples.
To begin
 with, in the previous years the only source of sharing information was radio but now there are many platforms like Twitter, Facebook, and TV channels. Meanwhile, people spread a lot of
rumors
Change the spelling
rumours
show examples
 about any type of news by using the
internet
.
For instance
, there are different
data
 on different accounts about the current problem happening in society
Therefore
,
this
 factor causes depression and anxiety in the population.
Moreover
, these days the personal
data
 of youngsters has been leaked.
This
data
 is used in crimes.
For example
, sim card numbers and passwords of mobile phones are being used by criminals.
Therefore
, many innocents fell into the deep end.
On the other hand
, there are some appropriate solutions.
Firstly
, the government should ban unofficial pages and groups on the
internet
.
Secondly
, everyone should have enough knowledge about the circumstances and not share their
pin
Correct your spelling
PIN
show examples
 codes with anyone.
Thirdly
, the police should punish the involving people in cyber crimes. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion,
although
 the
internet
 has developed the way of sharing and consuming information there are many drawbacks as well.
Submitted by maryamakram976 on

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Task Achievement
The essay shows some understanding of the task by discussing problems associated with the internet and suggesting solutions. However, the examples provided lack specificity and relevance to the points made.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat coherent, with an introduction and conclusion present. However, the development of the main points lacks clarity and organization. There is a need for better paragraph development and more cohesive linking of ideas.
Lexical Resource
The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary and the use of appropriate linking words. However, there is a need for more precise vocabulary and a better selection of examples to support the points made.
Grammatical Range
The essay exhibits a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There are also instances of errors in subject-verb agreement and tenses. The use of punctuation could be more accurate for clarity and coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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