IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to universities while others think that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #success #universities #factors
There are controversial perspectives heating up a debate over how to become a high-achiever.
While
 some claim that getting to institutions is the sole tactic to become fruitfulness.
Although
 each has its own perks, I would contend that it is optimal to combine both mentioned factors.  On the one hand, digesting precious insights in
colleges
Fix the agreement mistake
college
show examples
 is put
premium
Add an article
a premium
show examples
 on people’s
success
.
This
 might be because acquiring knowledge in
colleges
Fix the agreement mistake
college
show examples
 provides great
fundamental
Fix the agreement mistake
fundamentals
show examples
 for people to have advantages in their future jobs.
For instance
, students from prestigious universities in Vietnam
such
 as
National
Correct article usage
the National
show examples
 Economics University, Foreign Trade University or Diplomatic Academy of Vietnam will have a higher chance of being employed by leading companies
such
 as Vin Group, FPT and Sun Group.
Thus
, going to universities brings an
immensely
Change the adverb
immense
show examples
 impact on making high achievements.
On the other hand
,
while
 the necessity of getting into college has been widely acknowledged, it is unfair if those other elements are ignored, especially soft
skills
. Because when people have
skills
, they quickly create value for the company without having to spend time on training.
For example
,
problem- solving
Correct your spelling
problem-solving
show examples
skills
 can be cited as compelling instances
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the factors that create their
success
. They have numerous experiences
to deal
Change preposition
in dealing
show examples
 with problems so they can fast work and
make
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a
favorable
Change the spelling
favourable
show examples
 influence on the company.
Therefore
, sets of
skills
 determine their
success
. In conclusion,
while
 going
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
universities
Fix the agreement mistake
university
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 a
greatly
Change the adverb
great
show examples
 impact on a person's
success
, there are considerable other factors
such
 as useful
skills
 that have an effect on people's fruitfulness.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Focus on clearer thesis statements that precisely outline your viewpoint. This helps in ensuring that your essay has a clear stance from the beginning.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider using a variety of linking phrases and topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to improve cohesion between ideas.
Task Achievement
Revisit your introductory paragraph to ensure it clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint. A well-structured introduction sets a strong foundation for the rest of the essay.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more detailed and unique examples to support your argument. While you've provided some, enhancing this aspect will make your position stronger and more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Proofread your essay to avoid minor grammatical errors and ensure the use of correct vocabulary. This enhances the overall clarity and professionalism of your writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: