IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#violence #playgrounds #parents #children
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
As we all know, violence has adverse effects on
mental
Add an article
the mental
show examples
 and physical health of an individual and it is growing
day-by-day
Correct your spelling
day by day
show examples
 in playgrounds, which is affecting children in numerous ways.
However
, I believe that
a children
Correct the article-noun agreement
children
a child
show examples
 should not respond to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
violence as other actions can be taken.
Thus
,
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
 behind the aforementioned statement will be
further
 explained. 
Firstly
, violence happens
in
Change preposition
as
show examples
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
 of aggressive actions And there can be several ways to
this
 condition
such
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
as, sometimes children
hits
Change the verb form
hit
show examples
 the other players
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when he is not satisfied with the results, which leads to hitting, but if
other player
Change the wording
another player
other players
show examples
 will response with
fight
Add an article
the fight
a fight
show examples
 as well,
then
 the situation will become tremendously worse and it can cause serious difficulties like suspension from school and injuries like broken bones and teeth and sometimes these conditions get worsened.
For example
, According to recently shared news by BLB shows that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 a youngster went
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
coma
Add an article
a coma
show examples
 from severe brain injury,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
was caused by
other player
Change the wording
another player
other players
show examples
 in the playground.
Secondly
Submitted by hk2192611 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: