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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with statement?

#children #lifestyle #schools #parents
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People
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 have divergent views towards whether both
schools
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 and
parents
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 have
responsibility
Add an article
a responsibility
the responsibility
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 to shoulder the
problem
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 that nowadays
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
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 of
children
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 have an unhealthy
lifestyle
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.Some
people
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 firmly believe that
schools
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 and
parents
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 shouldn’t since there are still
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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other factors which will lead to unhealthy lifestyles formed like the rapid development of
internet
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the internet
show examples
.
However
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，some other
people
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 who hold the same opinions
with
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as
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 me deeply believe that they certainly should. The
first
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 reason why I believe that
parents
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 are
response
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a response
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 to
work
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 out the
problem
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 that numerous
children
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 have an unhealthy
lifestyle
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 is that
parents
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 were at fault that they didn’t set good examples in front of
there
Correct your spelling
their
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children
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 in the
variety
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various
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 aspects of living habits since most of
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people
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the people
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 nowadays don’t have
an
Change the article
a
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 healthy
lifestyle
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.
In other words
Linking Words
,
children
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 imitated their
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parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
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 bad
lifestyle
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 which
leaded
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led
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 to the
formed
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formation
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 of their unhealthy lifestyles.To be more specific,
children
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 will
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tend
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trend
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tend
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 to stay up late if
there
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their
show examples
parents
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 always
work
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 overtime or watch TV plays until dawn since they will think is a common thing to sleep late;
children
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 will drink coffee which is bad for their brains’
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
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everyday
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every day
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 if their
parents
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 drink coffee all the
time
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 and everywhere just like drinking water since
children
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 will think coffee is healthy;
children
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 will hardly exercise if their
parents
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 always lay on the sofas during the relaxing times since
children
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 won’t know the benefits from exercise. The
second
Linking Words
 reason why I believe that
schools
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 are
Add an article
a response
show examples
response
Replace the word
responsible
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 to
work
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 out the
problem
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 that numerous
children
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 have an unhealthy
lifestyle
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 is that they give
children
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 a large amount of stress that
students
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 could only afford through the way of
give
Change the verb form
giving
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 up their own
time
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.
In other words
Linking Words
,
students
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 who
under
Add a missing verb
are under
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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huge pressure given
by
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to
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 academic performance will squeeze individual
time
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 to study in order to release
there
Replace the word
their
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 pressure to some extent.To be more specific,
students
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 will sleep below 6 hours if
there
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their
show examples
schools
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 told them they should consciously do additional questions after finis98hing the homework since
students
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 will stay up late to do a large amount of extra
work
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although
Linking Words
 they have to go to school on 6am tomorrow;
students
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 will always eat fast food if their teachers told them they should improve their action efficiency to save
time
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 for studying since
children
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 will choose fast food to eat in order to recite one more page of words than their classmates every day;
children
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 will sit on the chairs studying all the day if
there
Replace the word
their
show examples
schools
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 will publish everyone’s scores after each exam since
students
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 will refuse to take breaks in order to save more
time
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 for studying with the aim of
get
Change the verb form
getting
show examples
 a good place.For
examples
Fix the agreement mistake
example
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,my little
sisters
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sister
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,who just celebrated her 10th birthday yesterday,is under
a
Correct article usage
apply
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huge pressure given by her
schools
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 which will publicly
criticizing
Wrong verb form
criticise
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students
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 who have failed
in
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apply
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examinations.And she
eat
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eats
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 instant noodles and
stay
Change the verb form
stays
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 up late
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 to maintain
academic
Correct pronoun usage
her academic
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 performance. To sum up,both
schools
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 and
parents
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 are
response
Add an article
a response
show examples
 to shoulder the
problem
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 that nowadays
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
children
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 have an unhealthy
lifestyle
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 due to the fact that
parents
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 were at fault that they didn’t set good examples in front of
there
Correct your spelling
their
show examples
children
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 in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
variety
Replace the word
various
show examples
 aspects of living habits and
schools
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 give
children
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 a large amount of stress that
students
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 could only afford through the way of
give
Change the verb form
giving
show examples
 up their own
time
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by melindaguan0704 on

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Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
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