IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their leisure time. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #leisure #time
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Recently, it has been widely believed that
Use synonyms
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
spending
Replace the word
spent
show examples
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 teenagers of
this
Linking Words
 era is affected by new technologies which were developed and changed the way of actual activities of people. Certainly,
this
Linking Words
 viewpoint offers both benefits and drawbacks which will be described in the following paragraphs before
conclusion
Add an article
a conclusion
the conclusion
show examples
 is reached.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, undeniably, depending new technologies led the vital merits to people living, one of all is
extenuation
Correct article usage
the extenuation
show examples
 of searching worldwide information arduousness in term of education with internet networks and laptops which is the lifting of life quality standard.
In other words
Linking Words
, users are able to manage their
time
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and receive quality consequences and suitable quantity information efficiently which
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 enormous
changing
Replace the word
change
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 children’s leisure spending
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, improving
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 knowledge which there were many complicated steps in the past,
such
Linking Words
 as only receiving data from libraries directly, but these developed technologies were created more convenience currently, namely researching accumulated information from around the globe on
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 world immediately which can be assumed that they usefully spend their free
time
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, hastily developed technology without prudence can bring
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
demerits to kids
also
Linking Words
, their parents are inaccessible technological usability of their kids.
To
Change preposition
For
show examples
illustration
Replace the word
illustrate
show examples
, there is
possibility
Add an article
the possibility
a possibility
show examples
 that part of all teenagers will dedicate their
all
Add a hyphen
all-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 to entertainment
medias
Correct your spelling
media
show examples
 or game applications
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 solutions
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem should be taken care
and
Change preposition
of and
show examples
 suggested by their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are some drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
evolution
Add an article
the evolution
show examples
 of
kid’s
Fix the agreement mistake
kids’
show examples
 leisure
time
Use synonyms
 spending
Fix the infinitive
to cause
show examples
cause
Wrong verb form
caused
show examples
new
Change preposition
by new
show examples
 techs, as aforementioned reasons, we can see
that positive aspects
Change the determiner
that positive aspect
those positive aspects
show examples
 clearly outweigh
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
show examples
 aspects.
Submitted by fai6436 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: