IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Government spends much money for education. More money should be spent for free time activities. To what extend do agree or disagree?

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It is often argued that the regime has an indispensable role in subsidizing the community in every sphere
such
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 as education, health, and some other exercise.
Although
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 I agree that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should pay more expenditure on the educational system, I think that a portion of these expenses must be allocated to welfare activities. At the outset, a certain budget that will be spent on enhancing the learning sector is not a waste of money, as education is considered the backbone of a nation .
To begin
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 with, schooling is a substantial factor that contributes to countries’ progress,
thus
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, myriads of authorities make sure that their citizens will obtain proper learning.
For instance
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, the government offer a scholarship which costs a lot of cash for research purposes,
therefore
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,
this
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 will open the door for modern technological invention.
Secondly
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, academic qualifications are required in many professions.
For example
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, it is impossible to become a doctor, teacher, or lawyer without having a relevant degree.
That is
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 why I believe that the regime should allocate a great portion of the money to ameliorate the educational system. In sharp contrast to
this
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, authorities must pay attention to support other activities.
Firstly
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, leisure exercises must be considered as fundamental factors which contribute to developing intellectual capabilities, mental and physical fitness, and flexibility.
For example
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, playing a chess game can boost the creativity,
logical
Replace the word
logic
show examples
 and critical thinking of players.
Moreover
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,
while
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 a lot of competitions have been held worldwide and
this
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 exhorts citizens to represent their own nation ,
as a result
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,if they win, they can bring recognition to their nation at large,
also
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 they will be given a reward prize.
Thus
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, I believe
that is
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 important to spend cash on other activities To put it in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 nutshell,
although
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 I agree that authorities must devote a proportion of their finances to enhancing education, I think that leisure sports must be supported and given a huge concern like schooling.

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion could be more developed and concise, and clear. Organize the ideas better in the introduction and conclusion to mirror the main points of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow within and between paragraphs is generally clear, but the organization of the introduction and conclusion could be improved to better introduce and summarize the main arguments.
task achievement
The response demonstrates a clear position on the issue and provides well-developed, relevant ideas. However, the introduction and conclusion need to be more concise and show a clearer alignment with the main points.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear argument with relevant examples. However, the essay could benefit from a more concise and focused introduction and conclusion to better reflect the central argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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