IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays movies and computer games containing violence are very popular. Some people believe that they have negative effect on the society and should be banned, others, however, believe that it is harmless entertainment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#movies #computer #games #violence #people #effect #society #entertainment
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people argue that, in present days
films
 and computer games
containing
Wrong verb form
contain
show examples
 violence.
on the other hand
, some individuals believe that it is harmless entertainment. In my opinion, it is harmless because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
 learn new
think
Add the particle
tothink
show examples
 form
their
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.  On the one side,
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
help
Add an article
the help
show examples
 of
films
 and
computers
Add a comma
,computers
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 learn more
gain
Correct word choice
and gain
show examples
knowledge
.
In other words
, kids watch
films
 and
seen
Change the form of the verb
see
show examples
 many area people and
other new thing
Change the wording
another new thing
other new things
show examples
 to watch
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 videos they knew about
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
some new
location
Fix the agreement mistake
locations
show examples
, climate change reason other
language
Fix the agreement mistake
languages
show examples
 and all the
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 help
children
 to get new
knowledge
 about the
arounding
Correct your spelling
surrounding
 sectors.
Moreover
, youngsters know the places
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 visit and learn some new rituals and
also
 go for better study.
For example
, in India, more kids are learning
English
Correct article usage
the English
show examples
 language and going abroad for their higher education.
Hence
, pupils gain
knowledge
. On the opposite side, by
Change the form of the verb
watching
show examples
watch
Add a comma
,watch
show examples
this
 type of
films
Fix the agreement mistake
film
show examples
 and playing
such
 games make them more
agreecive
Correct your spelling
aggressive
. Rather
then
Replace the word
than
show examples
 playing outdoor
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 and sittings with family
children
 giving preference more to watch and
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 online and more screen time and some violent games make them more
irritating
Replace the word
irritated
show examples
.
For instance
, in India,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 banned
pubg
Correct your spelling
public
 game because many kids
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
.  In conclusion,
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 are some
drowbacks
Correct your spelling
drawbacks
 of
Add an article
the watch
a watch
show examples
watch
Wrong verb form
watching
show examples
 and playing
violence
Replace the word
violent
show examples
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 but because of a few
cons
Add a comma
,cons
show examples
 we can not neglect the advantages
such
 as
knowledge
new
Change preposition
of new
show examples
 opportunities and learning new skills. In my opinion, it is a good way to teach them and attract
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 new future plans as well, and by telling them the harmful defects Of
this
 people and save the
children
.
Submitted by sangeetapoonia11 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: